ASHES

No I am not going to talk about Dravid. This is just about how I feel right now generally, not in a bad way but a good way. It is very rare that India plays a crucial match and gets into a very strong winning position, from where the victory becomes just a formality. Although this has happened a few times lately with the new captain, but for the time I have seen cricket it is rare. I feel a similar emotion, where I am just waiting for the fat lady to sing so that I can collect the stump as a memory of the victory.

I remember transitioning from college to professional life. I was very much into blogging at that time and I wrote how I felt there was an impending declaration. My final year was just stretching too long and I just wanted to get out of it quickly. I was hoping for some sort of mutual agreement that captains have for calling of play one hour before scheduled close of play on the final day, if they saw no result coming. The feeling right now is a bit different. Positive.

This time I know pretty much what to expect in this phase and have some ideas of my own on how I plan to go about things. Which is why it’s not just about getting out of ‘jail’, but it’s also about starting a new ‘innings’. When I came to IIT I made a tacit promise to myself that I will have a good time and spend most parts of the day on the field. When I joined my job, I thought of working really hard and giving it everything to any assignment I get my hands on. Three years on, I am thinking of which way to go, and considering the kind of course I am pursuing, it’s safe to say that I will be some where in between the first two ideas. Cheers!

Labels: self understood

It was 31 December 2007. I was walking the streets outside the airport at Bangalore with my friends. It must have been a good 2-3am. Since it was New Year now, we all decided to say our resolutions. Not that I made only one resolution, but of the many I made, I was able to fulfill one last Thursday. It is not a feeling of victory or achievement, but enormous self belief, that I am not that bad after all. What that resolution was, is academic for this post. Yet if I must, I had decided to make a well rounded application to a B-School.

Why was this, such a big deal? Mainly because my previous two attempts had been very weak, uncomprehensive and remotely tasteful. Needless to say, not much happened of these applications. But as many of you would know, writing your essays is an activity of great introspection. It is actually useful for everyone my age to just sit back for a month or two and make an account of what really has transpired. With some of the “adjustments” that I made to my applications, I realized that I was promising more than I really was. Much more in fact. And so this time, the desire was really to prove and tell conclusively that the potential really exists. And that I can make stories and make them true as well. That very frankly was the objective of this resolution. My fruit was only in this proof to myself. The judgement of an adcom can hardly come close and those who have ever applied will concur with me.

Miraculously, or call it hard work, things went well this year. I took the GMAT again and did considerably better than last time. I had more faith in my essays, and of course due to the additional experience, I had more professional stuff to write about. I was better prepared for the interview and most definitely had a better interview, which is only to suggest how bad the first one was.

But the key to getting many of these things right is not hard work. And it quite surprisingly is not miracle either. It was just a question of getting in touch with myself and realizing what I am really made of and what I am capable of. That is the lowest common factor of all achievements. Without understanding oneself, it is useless to set targets. If I know I can’t bowl a bouncer at 140k, it is pointless to have a short leg fielder, you know. If I know I can’t hit the big sixes, it is better to do it in singles.

Through the process of application I realized many things about myself. But one of these things surprised me. I realized that I give a lot of importance to the past. That I am a keeper. And as much as I never show it, my folders and old bags are filled with stuff from the previous decade. I don’t know how many of us keep our 3, 4, 5 class marksheets (of course I had reasons to keep it). But as I dug deep into my past there we so many wonderful memories that came like a gush of cool breeze to me. There was an old photo from school, of the tree plantation day. There were birthday cards given by dear friends in 2^nd and 3^rd years at IIT. And why I am so sure of the years they were given in, is because of the distinct names of women they carry on them. I couldn’t stop laughing J. Then there were two letters from cricket team mates, who as parting gifts had written some really heartening words full of praise for me. There was this birthday-card, which I bought for a friend who was slightly fat, and the card had a funny illustration on it. But I resisted giving him that card, thinking he might not take it in such good faith. So I decided to keep the card and give him next year. I bought that card in 1999, my friend’s birth date is “17 November”. Maybe this year. But knowing me now, I am not making that promise (smile)

The best part is that these things can hold so much meaning. So much more than just a piece of paper. The play ticket from my first date, the bails from the last time I played for IIT Delhi, the notepad having notes of my treacherous internship experience. They all are just things, but they connect me back to those times so vividly. Your past is important for what you are today. It may perhaps not have the same effect on your future, but you never know what does.

Funnily all this stuff was happening while I was rummaging to find some of my certificates to show in the interview. I didn’t find all of them, but I found the certificates which really matter in the end. And in a spirit of my vindication, the ISB interview committee didn’t even ask for the certificates.

P.S. – I am not posting my interview experience. It was just a few run of the mill questions and well err… my answers!

Labels: self understood

My face has never had a harami sort of look. Not an obvious one atleast. Neither do I have a cunning smile or a mischevious one. The first impression people get about me is that I am a nice person, devoid of any kind of cleverness or pranks. Well I don’t really know if they are right (smile). But my face is the best representation of my innerself. It does not hide anything and sends across all possible things inside as much as it can.

Having been bred in a middle class high traditional value background, I have been served the idea of honesty and morality at lunch and dinner. My mother once or actually 2-3 times burnt my hand with a hot chimta when I lied. Knowing how much she loves me it is impossible to understand what pushed her to dish out such severe atrocity on me, her son. My punishments used to range from being slapped without the permission to cry to being asked to stand on the terrace in the hot sun without any footwear. Hunters were out of fashion by that time and my mother seldom used an external source to hurt me. How pain helped me grow individually is really the irony of life.

I have been afraid of lying since I was a child. Though as a child I wanted to lie but couldn’t. But as I grew up I hated lying, mainly because I was very poor at it. I have always tried to be honest, as honest as I can ofcourse, but I avoid hiding things as much as I can. I have truly internalised that habit in whatever I have done – sports, studies, relations with people and also in my professional experience.

And when it comes specifically to playing cricket I hated cheating and I hated cheaters. I used to be on the receiving end all the time when I was 10-11 playing with kids in the colony park. I used to win mostly and the other guys used to intentionally hide the ball in some bushes when it got dark pretending that they didn’t find it. I always knew that they would turn up later in the evening to find the ball, but I played along. I was surprised to see what people could do to win, even surprised to see what they were trying to win.

I would say that I maintained an image of being a person with high moral standards in college. Not in the sense of being right or wrong, but that I stuck to what I believed and I never made any secret of it. Being a true, dependable and honest sort of a guy was not by choice, this was because of how I was prepared. But if you leave some grass on the pitch you can’t complain that it doesn’t turn. This morality and honesty had its downsides. But I always knew that they were not worth giving up on my belief. In my adult life so far, I have been accused, even looked down upon for being honest, “technically correct” if I may, because it never helps the scoring rate (pun intended). So much so that I thought it would be a nice idea to put honesty as a weakness in my resume. I am not kidding I actually thought that. But people told me that won’t take me anywhere either.

The fact of the matter is that truth and deceit are just two qualities and no one can claim to have 100% of either. Everyone judges on which side of this line between truth and deceit one wants to stand according to the need of the hour. But when it comes to cricket I will always be on one side of that line. Others may not see what I am trying to win. Beating others is fun and exciting, but beating yourself is a different high all together. When you compete with yourself its like one of those C++ commands – i=i+1, you can grow constantly and do not have to rely on the standards set by others.

As a batsman I have had much lesser opportunities than as a bowler, and being a tail ender I have faced very comprehensive dismissals. But the one or two close calls I have had I have always walked, I hope. I remember walking an lbw decision, oh I was plumb! As a bowler I have mostly been the umpire’s favourite, because even though I used to hit the batsman’s pads more often than anyone else with my in swing, I only appealed when I was pretty sure I had my man.

I think having a decided rule for yourself to follow makes the life easier, and isn’t that what we are all trying to do. It’s a difficult road, but that’s how it looks from the outside. When you are doing something you think is right, it comes naturally to you and you don’t have to struggle, not a lot anyhow.

Labels: self understood

Flamboyance has been one quality that I have always wanted to have (among many others of course). But there was a time when I was flashy and quite the leader of the pack. Here I am talking about the time when I was in class 4 or 5 and there were only 17 students in my class and ofcourse my mother was a teacher at the small school. But I clearly remember, whenever we used to get a chance to go to the field, as soon as we entered the nearby park I used to run away from everyone and all my class mates would try to catch me. I used to love those moments of kingship and I am not kidding here. The rest of the 16 would chase me around and finally hunt me down so that we could play some normal game, which again I used to decide.

That ‘kingship’ deserted me as soon as I came out of that small school and it never came back after class 5. The last time I came first in class was in class 5, never ever again. I never even got the highest marks in a specific subject. The reason I got in to thinking about those times was not nostalgia. I am trying to write essays to support my application for an MBA program. The essential highlight of an essay is how it depicts that you are a potential leader for the future and this is the perfect time for you to develop classroom knowledge on how to be a successful leader or manager. I tried time and again to look back in life and think of instances where I showed leadership qualities and everyone actually respected my decision making. The sheer dearth of such examples made me feel that one of the important things I have missing is flamboyance.

Since I am not a prodigy nor naturally talented in any aspect of life, I have had to fight and work hard slowly towards excelling in any field, even the cricket field. My method of learning and developing is generally orthodox, laborious and as a result time consuming. I will generally take more time than an average peer to achieve the same feet. The reason is that my methods are simpler and low risk, which ensures some success but that can take a lot of time. My only major leadership role was being the captain of IIT Delhi cricket team. But even there I had a tough time, where sometimes I thought I lacked the support of my team, and the team did not agree with my decisions. However, I put my foot down and did what I thought was right, even though there was very little support I had.

My lack of flamboyance is reflected directly in the way I play cricket. I am a fast bowler with a maximum speed of probably 125k. I never had a bouncer; I never said things to the batsmen apart from a little eye contact. I can count the number of sixes I hit without even using my fingers as I hit only one. I never dived around in the field, no acrobatic athleticism for me. Yet I played a lot of cricket, because I did what I did best – swing the ball late, invite the drive and go through the gate or pitch it up at the death.

Even when I interact with people I am not noticeable so easily, apart from my tall structure there is very few things people notice. I am always in the background, but slowly with time I surface and people start recognizing me. I don’t yell at people, though yelling is actually an easy way of attracting attention. I am calm and quiet and as a leader I let people do what they think they can do well. I don’t push people instantly, I try to drive them to a point where they have no other choice but to push themselves, no matter how much time it takes.

All things said and done, the signs are that I might not be ready yet to become a manager. Maybe I need more time, may be I don’t. I see others around me becoming managers, big time successful professionals, but I know that my success will make me wait. Often this wait has made me indifferent to success and I have stopped enjoying the success with any sense of exultation or celebration.

Recently I was playing a corporate tournament cricket match where I held a catch on the long on boundary. The ball came at an awkward height near my chest and to adjust, I took the catch fingers pointing up rather than taking a few steps backwards and holding it in the orthodox and safer fashion. I immediately realized that this is not something I am comfortable with. It is probably not my forte to come forward, I will always stay back and take the safer route.

Labels: self understood